If I Were Only Mister Morgan
Words and Music by Geo. M. Cohan
Published 1903 by Cohan, Niblo & Cohan

[Verse & Refrain 1]
How few men that we meet are really happy,
And how few are free from ev'ry care and strife,
For the most of men are saucy sad and scrappy,
It seems they're never satisfied with life,

Tho' I've never broken banks nor beaten races,
I'm contented in my own way just the same,
And there is but one with whom I would change places,
And Mister Peirpont Morgan is his name,

Then I'd have Eighty thousand diff'rent kinds of servants at my heels,
I'd have champagne sauce on ev'ry thing that's served at all my meals,
I'd have Carnegie to run my errands, pretty girls to pose,
I'd have Vanderbilt and Rockefellar brushin' off my clothes,

I'd have sweet Egyptian maidens just to roll me all my smokes,
I'd have actors all about the place to tell me funny jokes,
If it cost me all my dust why evry trust Id surely bust,
If I were only Mister Morgan.

[Verse & Refrain 2]
I'd buy up ev'ry race track I were able,
Then I'd purchase all the horses right a way,
Then I'd have a chinese laun dry in my stable,
To dope the winners for me ev 'ry day,

And in fact I'd take a mortgage on the nation,
And I'd run the thing to suit my own idea,
And Instead of going to Paris for vacation,
I'd buy the place and bring it over here,

And then the grapes I'd eat would cost me forty dollars by the bunch,
I'd have Chauncey Olcott sing to me while I was eating lunch,
I would buy the Broadway cable line no fare at all I'd charge,
I'd have ladies for conductors so that bus- iness would be large,

I would print a New York paper, advertisements would be free,
And I'd critisize the critics who'd been critiscising me
Then a tailor I'd engage to make some clothes for Russell Sage,
If I were only Mister Morgan.